Its been warm.

The tulips have popped early,
     the trees are blooming,
           the lawn has already been mowed.

Today the weather changed.
As I walked out of school this morning
           I saw huge flakes falling fast.
I stepped out of the door and walked to my van.

I turned my head toward the sky and looked up at cotton-like snow flakes.
They splattered on my cheeks and nose.

I inhaled deeply
               and caught the sweet scent
                                                      of the flowering trees.

I have never experienced those things in the same moment.
Today, I experienced new.

I could choose to gripe because the weather is not perfectly sunny.
                        but I WILL NOT.
I will rejoice in the fact that it is not my call.

I will rejoice that while everything has a purpose,
       its not my burden to decipher what that purpose is.
And I will feel the underlying warmth in my soul,
                             while the snowflakes                  swirl,
 and the chill in the air brings
                            
                                          awareness.

Thats better!

Thanks for your help Aunt Charity!!

Dear Children,

I will take you on vacation to the ocean if, you promise to let me take some nice pictures of the four of you together.  

FAIL.

You kids owe me big-time.

~mom

A letter to Amaya

**picture in this post may be disturbing. You have been warned.

Dear Mya,
I don't know what you were thinking.  I trusted you.  You have, since birth, thought before you acted. You have never tried anything until you were sure how it should be done.  You stay close to me in parking lots, you keep your eyes on the ball, you are cautious when riding your bike. 
Your sister Ellie can be cautioned and warned from sun up to sun down.  She only knows her limits when she has looked them in the eye.  Words are meaningless to her. 
And your brother, he hears and understands. Sometimes his body moves faster than his brain. So I still warn him of things. 
And of course there is Grace but honestly, that kid has so many people looking out for her and warning her that her story will be completely different from the rest.
But you,
 I trusted you. 
            I never warned you
                                       and now,
                                                    now you are broken.
Listen honey, under the basement carpet there is cement. Its a man made rock.  Its hard.  Harder than you and if you were to compete against it, the cement would win.

Which it did.   So please do not do cartwheels on or off of the furniture down there, or anywhere.
With that in mind here are some more warnings I have not given you
 because I trusted you.

~ Don't ever put your hand on the door frame of the van.  If someone were to shut the front door you could lose fingers.  That is what that handle is for.
~When you are walking in a line at school please keep your eyes on the kid in front of you. 
~ Walk in the middle of the hall while turning corners.
~Don't jump off of slides.
~Don't jump off of swings.
~Don't run in the parking lot.
~Don't wander in the parking lot. 
~Make eye contact with drivers in the parking lot.
~Always be on your guard around boys.
~Watch out for the edges of desks, tables and counters.
~Hold the railing while on the stairs.
~ Make sure your shoes are on tightly.
~ Wrinkles in carpet, keep your eyes out for them.
~Stones and pebbles on walkways
~Again, boys.
~Don't lean on glass.
~Stay away from ledges
~Aim low when you are playing tag
~Don't play rough in the pool
~Furniture is for sitting.
~No wrestling, especially not with boys.
~Wear a helmet.
~Wear your seatbelt.

You know.

This is exhausting. 

Please just go back to thinking first. 

Your mom can't deal with this. 

You broke your arm and me.

I love you.

I don't like to see you broken. 

You are so beautiful and extraordinary. 

 I know this will be a huge charector building experience for you,

 but I hate seeing your pain

and brokenness.

You were so amazing that night. 
A few panicked screams and you were quiet.
You sat on the couch and waited for Grandma to come and watch the kids.
You did not shed a tear.
You looked at me and said
"Is this real? 
                 Am I dreaming right now?"
You wanted to sleep in the car.
We walked you in, holding your arm on a pillow.  Did some paper work and got right into a room.
You did not cry.
Not when they couldn't place your IV

Not when you had to wait for pain medication.
Not when the Doctors and nurses touched your arm.
They asked what your pain level was.
You told them quite frankly.
I am glad they put you out when they set your arm.
Because that would have broken me more.
But you,
        you are so strong,
                                     so contained,
                                                           so BRAVE.
There was no brave face, there was pure courage.
You were born with that.
You were amazing.
You are amazing.
Lets just be careful to keep it that way, shall we?
I love you,
Mom

I didn't sign up for this.

I have several posts that I have left in draft.
Because I haven't had time to finish them
Because they don't seem very interesting.
Because I feel like I am whining.

I am so grateful September is over.  My brain is starting to fully realize all that we did last month.  It was a lot. I have finally realized why some moms have "mom taxi" stickers and license plates in the back of their vans. 

 I still don't think its funny or cute. 

I knew I signed up for sleepless nights. 

  Babies need to cuddle around the clock.

I knew I signed up for cooking.

  Kids need nourishment to grow.

I knew I signed up for poop, pee, puke, and boogers.

  Kids need to know they are lovable no matter what.

I knew I signed up for spilled milk and sassy mouths.

  Learning to be responsible and mature happens at all ages.

I knew I signed up for tantrums,

  Though I didn't realize how many would be mine.

But I never realized how, as the kids get older,

my constant presence in their lives would become so

                                                                                         invisible.

I am up before they wake,

cooking breakfast,

packing lunches,

double checking backpacks.

I wake them up,

they eat my food,

put on the clothes,

the ones I have washed

   (and sometimes put away ;)  )

I push them out of the door.

Their focus is on what they need to do.

I spend my day

cleaning their messes,

cooking their food,

earning money for their tuition.

Their job is to learn, grow, and develop relationships.

Then I pick them up.

They use the ride to unwind.

or argue

and wonder why I don't bring snacks in the car.

Their job is to let go of the day they had and get ready for the evening.

We rush to activities.

do homework, practice instruments,

and tidy bedrooms, have church night.

And rush in a blur towards dinnertime.

Its over almost before it starts.

Showers

Books

and bed.

I don't think for a moment that they are not grateful. 

Or unaware of what I have done.

Its just such an odd feeling

that they don't need me constantly anymore.

I was unaware how long they would be gone.

and though its still not long enough to accomplish my

"to do list"

I MISS THEM.

And I am a little uncomfortable to refer to myself as a taxi driver.

I will now think of myself as the driver on the journey to Independence.

And CHERISH the moments I have.

And be thankful I still have this girl at home full time!!

Day 5

Ellie is enjoying her new year in school to its fullest potential. The best part of course is that she gets to go out to the playground TWO TIMES!!  Sometimes THREE!!
She loves being a big kid, doing her work and wearing her backpack into school.  She begs me not to walk her in.  I usually follow behind and tell her to pretend I am not there.  Today I was late and told her to walk in with Mya.  Still not sure why she allowed Mya to put her hands on her shoulders and steer her into school but hey, whatever.
She brought two books home that she made in class last week and has been "reading" them over and over constantly.  One a book about shapes and the other about creation.
I asked her to read the creation book to me.  Each page has a number and on each number the students we asked to draw pictures of what God created that day.  She read each day and when she got to day five she said "On day five God created animals and batman"
"Batman?" I asked.  "Honey, God did not create batman"
"Yes he did, Mrs.Rozema said so"
"I am sure that Mrs. Rozema did not tell you that batman was created on the Fifth day"
"YES, SHE DID!  She said that every kind of creature that flies was created on the fifth day, so I drew batman on the fifth day"


And so she did.
And that solves that mystery ;)

Captured

 Every once in a while,

 Someone sees

 my kids,

 the way I see them.

 And when their personalities

 are captured on film,

 Its a great treasure.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. Matthew 6:20

Thank you, Walcott Imaging for your hard work!!